Brian Wilson’s Beard Vs. The Czars Of RussiaPosted 18 April 2011 by Sebastian Washington
OK, Brian Wilson’s Beard. We get it. You are the alpha and omega. You are John and Paul. You are Quentin Tarantino before he fucked up and started making unmitigated horseshit like Death Proof.
When the star was born from the 2010 World Series champions, you shined out of the womb. You comprehensively bitch-slapped all competition. Who weeps for Tim “Mitch Kramer from Dazed And Confused” Lincecum? Who spares a thought for Pedro “Kung Fu Panda” Sandoval? He’s so 2009.
The star power of Brian Wilson’s Beard is hard to deny. It’s sublime, like Kramer’s buttocks. And it’s the darling of Madison Avenue. Who can miss it in that MLB commercial? And that MLB2k11 testimonial? And that other MLB ad and that other MLB2k11 spot?
This isn’t just any beard. Clearly, Brian Wilson went back in time and grafted Andre The Giant’s pubic diaspora on to the fleshy cornerstone of his dome.
The only living challengers are ZZ Top, but the boys from LaGrange (Or is it space? Haven’t you seen the Rough Boy video?) are into the back nine of their beard dominance. And they won’t be saved by their Eliminator troika of ho’s either, all of whom are certainly on the wrong side of 50 and sucking dick for beer money in an alley behind the Beaumont Knights Inn.
So is Brian Wilson’s Beard indefatigable? Not for a damn sight.
Do you hear the faint sounds of Mussorgsky coming from the steppes? It bleeds into Tchaikovsky and then into still more unsettling Stravinsky until it builds into a menacing Prokofiev crescendo.
That’s the combined might of the czars of the Russia you hear. They’re bringing their might to bear against Brian Wilson’s Beard. In the annals of history, the czars’ hold on all-time beard dominance was unquestioned. Challengers to their pre-eminence? Preposterous!
So Brian Wilson’s Beard, it’s on. Cue Survivor’s Burning Heart. The best of their best are ready to throw down.
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Challenger: Alexander Nevsky
The matchup: Nevsky is the subject of one of the greatest propaganda movies ever made. Sergei Eisenstein threw George Washington, Paul Bunyan and Ulysses Grant into a Fly machine and created the ultimate bearded folk hero/Nazi-killing allegory. Take that, Inglorious Basterds!
But when you look at the real Alexander Nevsky, well, he kind of … sucks. He’s got that whole Byzantine Jesus thing going. That’s all well and good when it comes to icons and shit, but that won’t cotton in this fight. Do better, czars.
Challenger: Ivan The Terrible
The matchup: Brian Wilson’s Beard intimidates opposing batters, his scary visage working in tandem with his fastball to make for a fearsome combination.
That’s estimable, but Ivan The Terrible just chuckled and cut someone’s fucking head off for sport. This is a man who tamed the Tartars, the Poles, the internal intrigues of the wicked boyars, and if my history hasn’t failed me, subjugated the Jun Horde from Beast Master … without those freaky-ass winged creatures that could crush you into a pile of molten Selsun Blue.
This matchup is a joke. Ivan The Terrible will cut your fucking head off.
Winner: The czars of Russia.
Challenger: Vasily IV
The matchup: Now that’s a fucking beard! Gander at Vasily IV’s facial mane and be overcome by dread! Just look at it. It’s hoary, the stuff of Evil Dead. He’ll suck your soul! There’s no way there aren’t spiders and scarabs in that piece. That … and an old half-eaten beet.
What does Brian Wilson’s Beard have in it? Well, I’ve seen balloons and Muppets and shit crawling out of it on the Baseball-Reference flash add?
Let’s be honest. Compared to Vasily IV, Wilson’s Beard is too manicured. It has a certain Freddie Mercury quality to it. Who couldn’t see Vasily IV torching a dacha filled with serfs to scorch Earth and save Mother Russia? Conversely, I could totally see Brian Wilson’s Beard make an overly-earnest effort to hit that high note in the bridge of Under Pressure.
Winner: The czars of Russia.
Challenger: False Dmitry II
The matchup: Who let this asshole in here? He looks like Jed’s long-lost cousin from Beverly Hillbillies, working a convoluted scheme with the Drysdales to bilk Jed out of his oil money.
Still, how cool is that Russians saw fit to call him False Dmitry? Get your purged ass out of here.
Challenger: Catherine The Great
The matchup: All right … all right, we all know Catherine The Great doesn’t have a beard … at least not in the sense we’re talking about.
But who in their right mind is going to pass up the chance to advance some killer Catherine The Great urban legends?
She died fucking a horse. You knew that. OK, that’s not true, but you know what is? Her lady-in-waiting – Countess Praskoya Bruce – was her “L’Eprouveuse.” Translated, it means “tester of male capacity.” That’s right. One of history’s greatest figures had a fluffer.
Later, Catherine The Great became so corpulent (what a great word … elegant and abhorrent all at once) that she had to sit on two chairs at once. But it didn’t stop her porn star libido. She got her fuck on right to her death. She was cool, though. When she got rid of a lover she’d give them a title or an assload of rubles. I’d hit it for rubles.
Challenger: Nicholas II
The matchup: Peter The Great fucked everything up. In his bid to modernize Russia, he turned all the czars into a bunch of foo-foo Louis XVI types who wore wigs and rubbed caviar on their balls. Well … maybe I made up the first part.
Nicholas II isn’t thought of as a strong czar, but credit where credit is due … he restored the beard for the glory of the Russias. Russia should have fallen apart long before it did. Who’s to say it wasn’t the beard that held it all together? Prove to me that it wasn’t!
OK, so he ate a bullet. And Anastasia didn’t scream in vain, she got capped, too. But Nick II wasn’t killed because of his beard. Oh no. He was killed for fear of his beard. What is the dictator of the proletariat compared to a boss-ass beard? Lenin knew this. Did he ever.
Winner: The czars of Russia.
So we have a tie? Is this how it ends?
Hardly. The czars of Russia don’t lose land wars or beard wars. Deploy the secret weapon!
The matchup: Brian Wilson’s Beard did better than most against the Czars of Russia. He came perilously close to a Charlie Daniels-over-the-devil upset.
But even Brian Wilson’s Beard knows the jig is up. Rasputin’s beard is the gold standard. He was a sex-addict mystic who refused to bathe, looked like Ted Kaczynski and still got mad Justin Bieber ass.
He might not have been a czar, but he thought he was a czar. That’s good enough for us.
And you can’t kill him. Do what you will. Shoot him, poison him, cut his cock off, whiz a fastball past his dome, throw him in the icy Neva River, make Dusty Baker manage his pitch count. Nothing.
A late effort to bust Charlie Manson out of jail to meet the crazy quotient failed. You’ve got nothing, Brian Wilson’s Beard.
Cry uncle. The czars win. Dasvidaniya, debutant!
- Post Title: Brian Wilson’s Beard Vs. The Czars Of Russia
- Date Posted: 18 April 2011
- Author: Sebastian Washington
- Filed As: Holy crap, Metaphysics
- Tags: Alexander Nevsky, Brian Wilson, Catherine The Great, Charlie Manson, Countess Praskoya Bruce, Dusty Baker, False Dmitry II, Ivan The Terrible, Jun Horde, L'Eprouveuse, Lenin, Mother Russia, Nicholas II, Pablo Sandoval, Quentin Tarantino, Rasputin, Ted Kaczynski, Tim Lincecum, Vasily IV, ZZ Top